Adjustments.

Sometimes I feel like I am barely hanging on, and now is one of those moments… I feel like if the wind blows the wrong way then I am going to fall apart. Moving back to the states after a year in Haiti is not an easy adjustment. Not at all!

Was life in Haiti easier than my life here? In a way, Yes. In Haiti, I knew what I was there for and I knew what God was calling me to do, but now, I am clueless.

 

 

There are so many unknowns in my life right now, and I am desperately longing for something solid to stand on. Right now I am standing on a mountain of uncertainty and doubt.

However, even in this time of shakiness God already has everything planned out. It really comes down to whether I trust my Father to guide me and lead me towards the beautiful future he has already dreamed for me.

 

So the question is…. Why am I scared?

 

Now What.

I am officially home. Now what?

After a year of living in Haiti, I am now trying to readjust and start my life again in Arizona. I don’t even know where to begin. There is so much that I feel I need to figure out, and I just don’t know where to start.

I am starting over and am scared to death.

I know that there is so much that God has prepared me for, I just wish I knew what it was. I am trying to be sensitive to what He has to say and what He wants for me, I am just scared that I am going to miss it. I don’t want this last year to be forgotten and just continue with the same life I had before I embarked on my adventure. His plan for my life is so perfect, and I wholly want to be part of His vision. I want to see what He sees. I want to feel what He feels. I want to hear what He hears. I want Him. 

I learned so much from my trip, most of which I don’t even recognize now. In time, God will reveal his inner workings of my life in Haiti. Until then….

I Must Live By FAITH.

What will I do.

Do I even remember how to live in my old life? This is all I have known for 1 year. I have been surrounded by beautiful Haitian babies for so long…how will I be able to live without them? Without being able to look out my window and see their little feet running to their next adventure. Without being able to wake up to the sounds of their little voices . Without being able to run downstairs and swoop one of them into my arms and feel the joy radiating out of them. Without hearing my name being chanted by a crowd of little ones. Without looking into the eyes of a fragile heart who wants nothing more than love.

What if I forgot how to live without them? They are embedded in my heart, how can I go on without them? They are just as a part of me as my right arm is a part of me…I need them. I love them. I miss them.

When I moved to Haiti a year ago, I never could have imagined how all of these little faces would affect every part of my being. Even in all of their imperfections, they ARE perfect! They have changed me in a way I will never understand.

Lord, give me strength to say goodbye…

14 Days.

What does 14 days bring?

In 14 days I will be saying goodbye to 57 of the most beautiful children that I have ever laid eyes on. I will be saying goodbye to a country that welcomed me with a grateful heart. I will be saying goodbye to my best friend.

In 14 days I will be asking God if He really wants me to leave. I will be asking God to keep His hand over this place. I will be asking God for help. I will be asking God to change His mind.

In 14 days I will be relieved that I no longer have to sleep with bugs in my bed. I will be relieved that I get to find comfort in air conditioning. I will be relieved that I will not have to ration my cheese. I will be relieved when God shows me His next plan for my life.

In 14 days, I will be leaving the home I have known for the last year, I will be leaving Haiti. I will be turning the page into the next chapter of my life. I will be following God.

In 14 days my life changes.

Later Gator ;)

There is never a time you feel more helpless, than when a baby is dying in your arms or when you are  breathing in rhythm to their last breath and then finally when you watch the life leave their broken body…

I never felt more helpless, then I did last night. 

One week ago I met a beautiful baby boy who had been abandoned at a nearby hospital. He was 2 weeks old and weighed 3 lbs. He was perfect.

I had the privilege of naming this unexpected gift, his name was Micah. I promised Micah that I would I always be there for him and that he would always have a special place in my heart; and he trusted me.

A few days after he arrived at Children of The Promise, he became very ill and was unable to keep any food down. He quickly moved upstairs and began round the clock care from Carla, Sheila and myself. He was having to be fed every 2 hours by tube, which took an hour each feeding…that means he was getting fed 12 hours a day. That left very little sleep for us. Despite our best efforts, he was not getting better, but he was getting worse. Sheila was emailing back and forth with a visiting doctor who assured us that we were doing everything possible and that there was nothing more the hospital could do that we weren’t already doing. So, we continued.

It felt like every time we took a step forward, he took two steps back. Nothing was working for our little Micah. God needed to intervene.

Yesterday, was a day of prayer for strength, wisdom and clarity. Yesterday, I had to put ALL of my trust in a God more powerful than anything I could ever imagine. I had to put Mighty Micah in God’s hands and allow God’s will to unfold.

It was around 9pm when I understood Micah’s future,  when I understood that Micah would soon be dancing with Jesus. I laid Micah on my chest and felt his breaking body breathe in and out with great difficulty and watched the strength slowly leave his body.

The three of us sat around Micah last night, with a strong prayer and a joyous heart. We sat with him and prayed as he made his way to heaven.

At around 10:30pm last night, Mighty Micah passed away in my arms, surrounded by so much love. He may have only been on this earth for 1 month, but I know he made an impact on many lives.

Today, I miss you Micah. I miss your soft little head, your cute little lips, the way your little fingers would wrap around mine and most of all your uno skills. We had a lot of late nights of Uno with you  You were such a blessing to my life and I am so happy to have known you and to have been able to show you an earthly love! I would do it all over again if I had to…the sleepless nights, the frustration, the fear…all of it!

I love you Mighty Micah!

Later Gator (we will joke about that once I get to heaven)

Not Mine, But Yours.

I am not even sure how to write about the changes that God is doing in my life right now. I am still trying to sort it out myself.

My biggest fear is not following God’s will!

I have been there, done that, and I could live without those years under my belt. However, they are still there, and so is my ability to make those choices. I know a life outside of His will and I don’t want to go back. Every day, I am faced with choices that can alter lives, and with every one of those choices I can see God’s hand in it all…it is when I have to make decisions about my own life that I freak out! I am always second guessing myself and my decisions.

I just pray that with all the changes up ahead, I keep God above all else and His will above my own!!! Not My will but Yours be done.

“Be very careful, then, how you live–not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord’s will is.”  Ephesians 5 15-17

No Truer Fairy Tale.

Once upon a time in a land far away a traveler spoke of an enchanted island full of mysteries and wonder.  It was a far off land traveled by few, yet whispered about by many. These stories traveled through the wind, rolled off many tongues and soon found their way across many worlds.

There was a young explorer who was always searching for adventure, searching for answers, searching for the unknown. Her ears were always listening and her eyes were always looking for her next great discovery. These stories, of a land that was so secretive yet so magical that no one could truly explain its wonders, found her and wouldn’t let go. She knew this was her next quest. She set out to discover the mysteries this land was holding.

She arrived with determination flowing through her veins; she knew that this was her path. She stepped out onto the island and was quickly enveloped by despair. What she saw was not that of beauty and wonder but of tragedy and heartache. Any hope she had upon her arrival quickly faded by the sight that lay before her.

She began walking the street of pain and anguish and gave witness to many starving lives and knew that the only discovery she would make on this trip was that of her own foolishness. She so foolishly believed in a wondrous place that was no more than a fairytale. She had given up everything for this quest, for a chance to witness the unimaginable and there she was instantly ready to turn around and go home.

She began her defeated retreat when out of the corner of her eye she caught glimpse of  the most magnificent sparkling glow. She turned to find the creator of such vibrancy when she was met with nothing more than a small boy. She did not understand where this beauty had disappeared to. She searched up and down the roads for the encapsulating beauty that grabbed her in such a fleeting moment. Discouraged once again she walked with her heart in knots.

There it was again, the glow, it was right in front of her. Stronger. Brighter. Purer. It was pulling her in…closer and closer. She was blinded by  the immense glow radiating from behind the giant wall. She felt her way to the towering blue gate, brought her fist up and pounded three times on the only thing blocking her from her destination. She so desperately longed to get through. She heard a click and saw the glow roaring through the cracks…larger and larger. 

Still blinded, she cautiously walked through, and in that moment everything opened up. Her eyes began adjusting and she was slowly regaining her sight. She looked around through blinking eyes and slowly realized that she had found what she was looking for. There they were, the land’s rarest jewels. Her quest was complete, she found her treasure in every one of those children standing before her. All of them, such an exquisite beauty that was impossible to describe; one could only witness for themselves to understand its power.

As she walked around in amazement at these children, she looked around and saw the adults slowing taking off their masks. Behind those masks was that same intoxicating glow that she saw in these children, the same fleeting glow she saw in the streets emanated from the little boy whom she was blinded to. She looked around and saw garments of faith swung around their shoulders and crowns of love placed upon their heads. She realized the true magic of this land was in the people. The children ran around her with their wings of joy and in that moment she realized she was standing in the middle of heaven on earth.

The stories were true and she had been a witness that day to the glory that takes place on an enchanted island called Haiti.